Fifth Dispatch. Practice Makes Perfect, And Perfect is Me. Action.

[trinkett]

[It's a hot afternoon, and Effie Trinket has sneaked into the Barracks -- first checking to make sure no one else is in there.

No one is.

It's far too hot and dusty and anyone in her right mind would choose the techy comforts of the Battle Dome over this place.

This is a good thing. Effie doesn't WANT to meet anyone today. For one thing, she feels very awkwardly dressed: running shorts and a bright yellow T-shirt (yellow is a Power Color); white athletic socks with that 1970s-era striping at the top; sneakers. No heels, no shoulder pads, no wig, no makeup.

She is here -- VERY GRUDGINGLY, MIND -- to train for warfare. Her last announcement to the village brought on plenty of warnings, and even a subtle death threat or two, and at least a few people giving well-meaning advice. She can hardly believe any of the doubters who'd said the Malnosso would sacrifice her in a battle, but better safe than sorry. One never knows when the higher-ups might make a clerical error or shifting error and accidentally send a valued subject into dire straits.

The second reason she doesn't particularly want to meet anyone is because she knows none of the Luceti peons like her very much. That's fine with Effie. Eventually the Malnosso will take her into the inner workings of the organization and place her right where she belongs. Until then? Well. She can and has been staying indoors a great deal, being a bored journal stalker.

Unfortunately, this lonesome round in the Barracks confirms that Ms. Trinket is not cut out for warfare at all. It turns into hesitant prods at practice dummies with wooden swords, a lot of staring out the windows, and a frustrating turn at a punching bag.

Fighting is horrible and she's horrible at it and consequently is in a horrible mood.]

Comments

[originaljackass]

"Go the distance?" Jack had a noted look of panic on his face that was hidden as he closed the teleporter doors on them. He had managed to recover and mollify this panic by the time they opened again, because he realized that's not what she meant.

Commitment. It was enough to make any warm-blooded man shudder.

"Speaking of. Here we are."

They were inside a fort along the beach and while it wasn't anything special to look at, the air was much different inside with a distinct cool saltiness to it. Waves could be heard in the distance.

[happyhungergames]

"Oh!" It was such a relief to be out of the sawdusty Barracks.

Well...this was still kind of dank and wet-stone-smelling, but beyond, she could tell, were good things.

Effie laughed. She was finally beginning to relax. "What would I do without you?"

[originaljackass]

"I suspect you'd be very bored and covered in far too much makeup."

Jack felt comfortable making light of her ridiculous makeup now that she was no longer in the habit of wearing it around him. He led the two of them outside the fort where the beach awaited them, ocean stretched as far as the eye could see.

[happyhungergames]

It wasn't too much, Jack. It was what she needed to thrive.

"Oh..."

But she couldn't argue with him about how she preferred to look and be. In fact, the sight of this beautiful sea was near enough to convince Effie to dress and look exactly how Jack asked her to.

[originaljackass]

And then even deep in his own selfishness and conceitedness, Jack had a moment of being able to recognize this moment for what it really was. It was awe. A feeling of experiencing something for the first time and being overwhelmed by the moment.

Jack had forgotten entirely what that was like and for a moment, he was jealous of her. He didn't like being jealous and so selfishness took over and he tugged on her hand as he continued forward.

[happyhungergames]

"You're more like him. The man in the book. More like him than Richard Sharpe could ever HOPE to be," she murmured.

Jack Horner: taking her from her sweat and misery and aches and pains and violence into a place of serenity and bliss.

[originaljackass]

"The man in the book?" As a man who was a literal 'man in the book', he was curious about which one this was. If she said 'Prince Charming', he'd be very upset.

[trinkett]

"The Lieutenant's Handmaiden's Hunger."

It's much worse than Prince Charming, Jack.

"There's a scene....in the shower."

[originaljackass]

He didn't need to know the book. It sounded like the sort of book read by lonely women. Usually older and less attractive than Effie. He tried to not think too hard about it, lest he begin to imagine Effie in that light.

"Showers can be very exciting," Jack agreed.

[onlyeffie]

Don't pigeonhole, Jack. Younger women read those, too.

"I happen to know that there's a very acceptable shower at my place..."

Though that wouldn't be convenient; too many people in and out.

Carefree, Effie let go of his hand to rip her sneakers and socks off. It was time to run into the surf.

[originaljackass]

Jack dropped his bag of goods on the sand. Having already changed into his trunks well before running into Effie, he needed only to wait for her to make ready.

He saw a flaw in her suggestion. "I wouldn't call a shower used by Major Dick to be acceptable."

[onlyeffie]

"That...brings me to something," she began. Hesitant. She dipped her toes into the whispering surf.

[originaljackass]

"Do I need to punch him? He seems like a decent guy, but I'll punch him if I need to." Jack felt like this was a very generous offer.

[ruthlessismore]

"Oh, I'd LOVE it if you punched him!" she was quick to assure him. "Just...

I've been thinking. You know...about us."

And, you know -- her own personal comfort and safety.

[originaljackass]

Suddenly Jack felt less sure about this conversation. Hesitant might even be the word. "... what about us?"

[inyourfavor]

"I think it's time we...took another step," she said quietly. Looking out over the sparkling ocean. Peace filled her -- she hadn't known peace like this in a very long time.

[originaljackass]

She meant marriage. Dammit. He didn't want to get married. He had marriage issues. His last wife got carbombed and he felt very justified in feeling like he shouldn't get married again unless it was someone like Rose Red. Or maybe Buffy.

"... you want to go for a threesome?"

He knew she wouldn't want a threesome. He stepped into the water and paid no attention to it.

[happyhungergames]

"Hmmm? What?" She was only half paying attention. "I think we should get a place of our own."

[originaljackass]

"Threesome," he repeated futilely. It wasn't marriage, though. "I already have a place, though. It even has an elevator."

He lived on the first floor, sure. But it had an elevator and the other buildings didn't.

[happyhungergames]

"Yes, exactly! And my place....doesn't have an elevator."

Why was she having so much trouble getting the words out?

"You see, I've come to the conclusion that none of them are good enough for me."

[originaljackass]

Jack gave this a little thought. This would complicate things with Addie. Would he have to give up Addie? She was younger and hotter than Effie. She wasn't all about relationships and was pretty loose. Effie was reliable, though. She needed and wanted him more than sexually and while that was disconcerting, it was definitely a factor. Besides, even now as he watched her in the ocean looking all peaceful, he did find he liked her beyond just the fantastic sex. He had meant it when he offered to punch Sharpe for her. He'd been angry when people bad mouthed her on the journals.

But then as he was trying to sort out this odd sensation of deciding if he really cared about her, he suddenly had a realization. Something that would be an absolute conclusion to this hideous affair or Clementine and that one armed loser. A full apartment would mean there was no place for him. Ever.

"What about Clementine?"

[inyourfavor]

"The girl?" Effie had clean forgot about her in her dreams about sharing Jack's home in safe monogamous domestic splendor in which no one tried to poison her food and someone didn't hate her or wish she was gone.

".....Oh. I.......I don't know."

This was certainly a wrench in the works.

[originaljackass]

"She's really important to me." In that, Jack was being completely honest even though he was lying when he said it. He found that very confusing.

"And she's just a kid. I can't just go dump her like last week's leftovers."

He even meant that, too. It was confusing when all your attempts at deceit just ended up being bursts of unintentional honesty.

[inyourfavor]

He was so concerned. So thoughtful. How could she ask him to do something like give up the girl he was looking after?

"I'm not...I'm sorry. I'm not being fair to you, Jack."

Effe's face crinkled sadly. How could she be so stupid? And Sharpe had said too soon and of COURSE it was, what with Jack looking after the girl and all. He'd probably laugh at her for not thinking of the girl, Sharpe would. No one here thought she ever thought of what was good for children. They all thought she slaughtered and ate them in her spare time.

But no, she couldn't ask Jack to give up the task he had so selflessly taken on himself.

"We don't have to. You're right. I can't believe I've been this thoughtless."

[originaljackass]

Jack found himself at a crossroads. Clementine had finally made herself useful in keeping Jack from entering into a monogamous relationship with Effie. But he'd been wanting to use Effie to keep Clementine to himself. Only now Clementine was keeping him from getting Effie, which meant he could still have Addie, but if he was caught being a cheater, he'd be exposed as a jackass and that one-armed asshole would steal Clementine away. And then he'd have no one.

Jack was so lost in thought that he didn't even notice a crab crawl over his foot. This was truly his heroic blue screen of death.

There was only one option, wasn't there? He had to take Effie and keep her and maybe even marry her. It was the only way to keep Clementine.

Good God, how would he ever get Buffy now?

He swallowed had and looked at Effie. "Clementine would love you. All three of us could live together."

Somewhere deep inside of him, his untameable libido let out a cry of ultimate suffering.