Fifth Dispatch. Practice Makes Perfect, And Perfect is Me. Action.

[trinkett]

[It's a hot afternoon, and Effie Trinket has sneaked into the Barracks -- first checking to make sure no one else is in there.

No one is.

It's far too hot and dusty and anyone in her right mind would choose the techy comforts of the Battle Dome over this place.

This is a good thing. Effie doesn't WANT to meet anyone today. For one thing, she feels very awkwardly dressed: running shorts and a bright yellow T-shirt (yellow is a Power Color); white athletic socks with that 1970s-era striping at the top; sneakers. No heels, no shoulder pads, no wig, no makeup.

She is here -- VERY GRUDGINGLY, MIND -- to train for warfare. Her last announcement to the village brought on plenty of warnings, and even a subtle death threat or two, and at least a few people giving well-meaning advice. She can hardly believe any of the doubters who'd said the Malnosso would sacrifice her in a battle, but better safe than sorry. One never knows when the higher-ups might make a clerical error or shifting error and accidentally send a valued subject into dire straits.

The second reason she doesn't particularly want to meet anyone is because she knows none of the Luceti peons like her very much. That's fine with Effie. Eventually the Malnosso will take her into the inner workings of the organization and place her right where she belongs. Until then? Well. She can and has been staying indoors a great deal, being a bored journal stalker.

Unfortunately, this lonesome round in the Barracks confirms that Ms. Trinket is not cut out for warfare at all. It turns into hesitant prods at practice dummies with wooden swords, a lot of staring out the windows, and a frustrating turn at a punching bag.

Fighting is horrible and she's horrible at it and consequently is in a horrible mood.]

Comments

[inyourfavor]

"The girl?" Effie had clean forgot about her in her dreams about sharing Jack's home in safe monogamous domestic splendor in which no one tried to poison her food and someone didn't hate her or wish she was gone.

".....Oh. I.......I don't know."

This was certainly a wrench in the works.

[originaljackass]

"She's really important to me." In that, Jack was being completely honest even though he was lying when he said it. He found that very confusing.

"And she's just a kid. I can't just go dump her like last week's leftovers."

He even meant that, too. It was confusing when all your attempts at deceit just ended up being bursts of unintentional honesty.

[inyourfavor]

He was so concerned. So thoughtful. How could she ask him to do something like give up the girl he was looking after?

"I'm not...I'm sorry. I'm not being fair to you, Jack."

Effe's face crinkled sadly. How could she be so stupid? And Sharpe had said too soon and of COURSE it was, what with Jack looking after the girl and all. He'd probably laugh at her for not thinking of the girl, Sharpe would. No one here thought she ever thought of what was good for children. They all thought she slaughtered and ate them in her spare time.

But no, she couldn't ask Jack to give up the task he had so selflessly taken on himself.

"We don't have to. You're right. I can't believe I've been this thoughtless."

[originaljackass]

Jack found himself at a crossroads. Clementine had finally made herself useful in keeping Jack from entering into a monogamous relationship with Effie. But he'd been wanting to use Effie to keep Clementine to himself. Only now Clementine was keeping him from getting Effie, which meant he could still have Addie, but if he was caught being a cheater, he'd be exposed as a jackass and that one-armed asshole would steal Clementine away. And then he'd have no one.

Jack was so lost in thought that he didn't even notice a crab crawl over his foot. This was truly his heroic blue screen of death.

There was only one option, wasn't there? He had to take Effie and keep her and maybe even marry her. It was the only way to keep Clementine.

Good God, how would he ever get Buffy now?

He swallowed had and looked at Effie. "Clementine would love you. All three of us could live together."

Somewhere deep inside of him, his untameable libido let out a cry of ultimate suffering.

[onlyeffie]

Effie Trinket threw herself into Jack Horner's arms. Any images of Richard Sharpe's smug face were wiped away. He not only cared whether she lived or died -- he wanted her. With him.

He was such a keeper.

"I am going to make you so happy," she whispered.

1/2

[originaljackass]

Hello Darkness My Old Friend...

[originaljackass]

Jack put his arms around her and smiled and tried to rid himself the memories of how fantastic Addie was. It was worth it. He was going to keep Clementine. His bargaining chip for... getting... hot... babes.

I've made a huge mistake.

"I know," he said. He managed to sound happy about it. He wasn't.

[onlyeffie]

"You are not going to BELIEVE how I can make our apartment so colorful that it POPS."

Oh, no.

[originaljackass]

Oh, no.

"... you know, I don't know if that's a good idea. Bright colors. Clementine is from a post-apocalyptic nightmarish world. I think she's used to more... duller tones."

[inyourfavor]

"Exactly. She needs a touch of brightness in her life! Rainbows everywhere!" Effie sighed. This was going to be fun.

[originaljackass]

"And ponies." He looked at Effie meaningfully. "Rainbow ponies."

[inyourfavor]

"As many as you like! I even met one."

[originaljackass]

"So many ponies." His words echoed hers. And then he threw himself in the ocean, plunging his head beneath the water. It's what they were there for and while he was under the water, he pondered the possibility of staying under the ocean forever.